humanity in negotiation|
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|Thursday, August 20th, 2009|
|Monday, June 29th, 2009|
been awhile, but you've been on my mind. more than you'd know.
took a couple pictures of binx today while he sunned himself, and that more than anything else pulled me away and back. feeling an ache to get back to just what i didnt want before. i have carved myself out, and there i am.
it's not to say i dont enjoy today and these past months but well i am like a turtle as was recently confirm; i do things that way.
so the current barely approachable topic is - how can i request more space. and so many questions come from that. what i intend is not a swipe, but rather just the chair i sit in. i dont want to create a scene, dontcha know, but creating is exactly what i want to do. i take the bits, form them into a whiffle ball and need to work from there.
and you have been forgiving i know, and i think i've been a bit manipulative... i play for everything.
i need a shave, and i still look young. a car. a new license (anyone been to the NJ dmv?). sometimes i think my youthful looks reflect my inability to properly grasp things i should have years ago, or like that. comprehension etched like an eye reflects the soul.
i do want the things i've said, and we all dream. dreaming is what? dreaming cuts across talking landscrapes like something noble, but i'm just not so sure. let's be realistic as is said so often these days.
really i think i've just been beat down by costs lately. that's one pressure. been a kite tied down.
yeah yeah, i know.. make up your mind.
Now playing: Elliott Smith - A Silver Chain (Demo Mix)via FoxyTunes
|Tuesday, May 19th, 2009|
|Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009|
she's making meatloaf and i just cant (read: choose not to) attend. who can fancy this?
because i like meatloaf. /shall i compare thee to a summer day?
i dont know how to sufficiently declare my ineffectiveness after work during the week. oddly as mentally wrecked as i can be i think i must be physically more so. the concept of movement is just never desired.
anyway i've decided i'll just stick to my guns and see what happens. women don't much care for westerns in my experience. neither does half the populace or more.
'the birds are in the air, just to share this moment.'
in summary: i'm going to stick to what feels right to me and carry large ounces of compromise where i can. the only question is what weight i can carry. and further: am i being too lazy in that regard?
recognition later he says, and you wonder at just what that is.
Now playing: Dr. Dog - easy beatvia FoxyTunes
|Monday, April 20th, 2009|
the ariel pink station on pandora radio is spot on right now.
introduced to capstan shafts,
dr. dog , atlas sound, lansing-dreiden and such which has me fully sold on, and consumed by lo-fi goodness.
it was a long weekend and a long day, but i've bathed and have wine so i'm good right now.
i'm starting to get the help (named jeff) up to speed at work. it means i've got less time to actually work right now but am looking forward to the days when i'll have a bit of relief. soon i'll be delegating to two, three or more, and i think it's as it should be.
been watching the money these last three weeks and that's also easing my stress level a bit. put my foot down a bit and rather surprised to see that expected situations have turned out fine. in that vein i told steph to 'fuck off' this past friday. even when justified that's pretty much a first for me. she jogged 2 miles to www.nightkitchenbakery.com/ sunday morning to pick up some breakfast foods which was quite glorious.
i have no interest in twitter. matter of fact i'm clearly an old man because i think it's a stupid and silly idea.
i have interest in box wine.
i have been playing empire: total war.
i have been losing weight and eating well. one is great, neither can i afford.
deltron 3030 is also great.
came across a very lovely stray cat saturday night and really wanted to take him/her home.
|Wednesday, April 15th, 2009|
|i see color bars
i dont think i've had more happening in my life and less to say about it.
and i mean that with a less of a slight to those interacting and more with a measure of internal awe as i can't compile it.
and so i dont have much to add to my lj.
except that i think that i need more time to sift and sort.
some things on my mind i just cant express with enough weight.
|Monday, March 30th, 2009|
i had to check the calender to let the date sink in. had to check it to say well today is x day in 2009, and how did i get here? how did he get here and where have we been? in a fashion or another we want to all go back and sip mint julips on some spring porch, don't we? i could use my brother's help, but i dont expect that for another ten years or so.
i think i'm just a little handicapped right now. would that i knew the usual flexibility that i'll carry.
allow me to pick up and plane. let's sit down.
and what yet of my own future? i do feel like i've screwed up in setting a head for whatever comes next. and i can only guess what uncertainty you both must have and question. the implications and yours are obvious. i'm sorry i'm not helping there, i'd like to assure you with something much more tangible. at what point does your assurance end? we're getting our legs cut out too early perhaps.and here i am, young, and feeling such weight. are you holding back tales about that weight or am i missing it or have these things just come?
call it respect. call it laziness. call it grasping, but i'd like more time.
case: out of the blue images.
at the least i need to locate that birth, hospital copy.
Now playing: Cold War Kids - Mexican Dogsvia FoxyTunes
|Saturday, March 7th, 2009|
the weather is lovely this morning. windows flung.
|Sunday, February 15th, 2009|
|blasts in iraq
shock at how easy astounding things can just happen.
rufus was such a fantastic thing last night. i'm not much of a fan of watching a concert from a seat, but this was just right. the acoustics in the kimmel center could not have been better. you could tell that rufus was feeding off the environment and that made everything all the more fantastic. he did not play the song(s) which i was most hoping to hear (damned ladies or imaginary love or the consort) he played a ton of older songs which was terrific. he kept saying most of his songs didn't really fit a positive love theme so...
we did not know until we were seated that our seats were 6th row, dead center. i think his singing of rebel prince was the highlight song of the evening for me.
add in a pinch of pre-concert snow, and walking to that post-show Foodery 'john'. then when you rolled out that drawing paper after midnight i wanted to outline your body on it. maybe we'll pick that up later.
silly infomercial, i made you laugh until your cheeks hurt.
and apparently i can center clay on the spinning wheel pretty well. and i am surprised at how seriously you took that whole basket of things. i really liked the joint and i will go back there with you. i guess it's fitting that we'll see how these creations will set once the kiln is fired up.
the free food was not enough to offset the free wine. and probably most i smiled at the closing bar requests you made. and later, walking from quarry st., your affinity for long walking was easy to roll with. i'm sure your questioning words had much to do with that ease for me oddly enough. your admiration in the swell of such difference is both endearing and puzzling. and yes i think the guy buying everyone shots at www.nationalmechanics.com/
did do you in.
a few days in and i find myself needing a break, and when i have it i want less of that break. binx needs food afterall.
write the rest off. the fact that we had breakfast alone on the ballroom floor where george washington danced with (seduced?) ben franklin's daughter should be a post in itself. i ate the leftover biscuit on the train ride back uptown.
Now playing: Rufus Wainwright - Rebel Princevia FoxyTunes
|Tuesday, February 10th, 2009|
yes, i would eat sushi off a nude woman's body or: how i can't gather my thoughts.
that said - i'm feeling pretty anxious. in the vein of running away from a short fused firecracker. this is far too bright.
need to get my head together a bit more. but i'm surprised to find just how naturally calm and even i am.
it's been presenting itself for a couple years now. i have officially gone from someone who could commit to someone who cant. and (this is a lie) i'm not quite sure why that is.
anyway i have a ton of stuff on my mind, but i cant put it together just yet.
saturday midnight: license is gone for a month.
saturday day: DUI Class all day (final)
saturday night: rufus wainwright at kimmel. www.kimmelcenter.org/news/item.php
Now playing: Röyksopp - Happy Up Herevia FoxyTunes
|Thursday, February 5th, 2009|
giddy-yup while it lasts.
so is it better to rock a feather while it's a such or to roll as you expect things do?
i'd rather drown in spark, imagination and inspiration while it lasts.
i have enough of those other things.
as much as i strive to be away from these things it's probably good to toss my mind away for a bit just now.
here i am tidying up.
Now playing: grandaddy - laughing stockvia FoxyTunes
|Monday, January 26th, 2009|
so i'm here to recap recent stuff which is much less fun than my normal rambling spit.
chiefly i'm sweating that four grand i owe to the state of new york for missed taxes. in short my employer messed up the taxes they were sending my way when i moved from jersey up to nyc. as i recall at one point i was paying "non resident" and "resident" taxes for the city of yonkers and new york at the same time. that's not what accounted for the gap but was worth a chuckle at the time. anyway it's caught up with me and i have yet to sort it out.
the DUI drag continues as i have a few more classes to attend and i finally know when i'll lose my license for a month. i'll just be glad to be done with it. what remains to be fully realized is the longer impact of being sensible in general. this much is sure: March 13th 12:01 am i'll be driving somewhere.
tom was over on friday to show me his new jeep (happy for him) and he lounged around playing pc hockey for hours. i made us a big breakfast and binx was quite social.
bowling with steph on wednesday in the upper liberties. quite the place that was. indirectly she introduced me to what appears to be a really rad looking co-op grocery store and coffee joint that's just a few blocks from me. cant believe i never stumbled on the place. sad really. cause you know i'm all about great things that are close by. considering i'll be pretty immobile for a month shortly this could be a really great thing.
that said i'm just left shaking my head about the way things happen when you're out talking to people. i'm gonna cut myself off before i run off talking about manifestation and how it's so much more available when you're social.
ever the hair cut and an oil change. (have you seen this mop?)
that gift card for macys.
other gifts i'd like to give.
check the shows at johnny brendas, see what's up silk city.
arrange for something with weavers coop.
get fucking serious about this goddamn smoking again. (yes i did quit last year)
watch that netflix movie and figure out why i haven't received that new mouse.
Now playing: Soul Coughing - 16 Horsesvia FoxyTunes
|Sunday, January 4th, 2009|
i think it's only the unlucky people who don't much believe in luck. perhaps they can't see beyond their own mixed luck to see the other side? and what other things can this be applied to I ask myself as one of those?
it seems to me that you need to be really lucky to recognize yourself as lucky. right because you might have weeks or night of great fortune rolled over by all those other weeks. or something like that.
i would like to categorize myself as unlucky, but i think (stepping back) that i'm neither lucky or unlucky. ...which is probably worse. at least if you're unlucky you have a story to tell. if it's a mixed bag well your finances are better than the unlucky fool, but you don't have much to tell for it. and it seems like often enough i'm looking for the story to tell. so with that discussed us riding the bell curve may well be the least fortunate in some respects.
and so we transpose the concept of luck for the concept of drama.
and isn't that an easy thing to do.
for so many years i avoided drama. who wants it, right? but i've been thinking drama, fortune or the loss of it is just drama like anything else. i dont really feel like i'm missing drama, but i do feel like it's stepping is as introverted as anything else i know and do.
and i think of paul newman, paul newman types who can make a scene and when time comes around they fill it with a dozen brands of pasta sauces and lemonades. without a need to clarify i will say that at a topical level he surely must be what i aspire to.
and how fun it is that we can tie these abstract things together.
speaking of abstractions one of these days i really would like your input on all these other lite interactions, i'm a new age fool focused on the 'light' interactions.
so here goes.. binx was great, given a bit of pressure he grew a bit this weekend. never the social little man he liked to hide away from visitors. he found a rug (physically and emotionally) to set his paws on and did his little dance to the delight of the audience. (here is the part where i have to avoid the audience). but we like these things.
and without binx i would like to get that coffee you suggested for a few reasons. (and here i again try to avoid more) let's sit on chairs and try to not figure out what it is that really wants to be said. but i have classes to attend. and even if they are once a week they wreck me all the same. see above, lets dance china girl.
ending there a moment to reflect on that short haired brunette. please find a place to sit. you can't say i'm not trying. (.. and ever more..)
Now playing: Cat Power - Cross Bones Stylevia FoxyTunes
|Sunday, December 28th, 2008|
the holidays were fine. a shared common thought was that no one was much in the spirit of things this year. i'm not talking about a religious thing but more the family closeness and general cheer. certainly the family is doing well as everyone is employed and curving out well. the one exception might be on my dad's side. over there my step mom recently retired and well they live out in vegas which is either really hot or really cold. out there it's really cold (physically manifesting in snow the two days after i left.).
i'd like to be more charged and refreshed than i've felt lately. it doesn't feel much like laziness, more chaotic. that said my head is as active as ever. i feel like i'd rather just be a brain in some saline solution. much like my car my body needs an oil change and a tuneup.
that said i have some wicked ideas that i'm turning around in my head, and well if i imbibe enough some of them might make it around to be played with.
january is going to be the last faze of the DUI joke. good riddance.
the impact there is added caution, distrust and the loss of some anonymous strength. the mental clash at this point is manifestation. of all the psuedo newage shinanigans i've believed in that feels like the one thing that's failed me most over the past few years. and there should be long drawn out posts about this. and i suppose there has been.
man things are cold, and i'm feeling frustrated.
some choices in front of me and seeing certain things over the holidays reinforced (and simultaneously weakened) my drive to hold out for something better. the itch to reinvent is ice and to hold is earthly. i need reassurance.
Now playing: Squarepusher - Iambic 9 Poetryvia FoxyTunes
|Saturday, December 20th, 2008|
it's never a question of what we desire, but more the question of whether we are desired. and in my experience we cant tell what we really desire and what desires us.
and so we desire, and the circle is complete, no?
it's so many things, so much.
people talking about falling out of love, but what i really struggle with is that mutual feeling of getting there. i suppose you put the two together and resolve that's its just a tough thing. makes me a sucker for stories and sad songs.
i am consigned to always believe it's a matter of communication. i strive to understand what people are saying and *not saying* so that i can speak to their experiences. and i find it strange that most of the time a discussion of *understanding* is not what they want. so i'm left wondering if they just dont want to talk about it or wish that i had some other clever thing to contribute.
i am a lack of books speaking like a book.
these past couple days i've been wondering about things i've found profound and trying to figure out how to discuss them not only with myself but also with the people i talk to. there's no questions here apart from what i'm asking myself when i'm ready to sleep.
and again nothing is better or worse. more profound or less i guess, but trials post-connection are those i'd like to play around with if you'd care to try.
in regards to what my father said, that i dont care to repeat... well what? what could i do with such a thing? and perhaps moreso what am i doing with such a thing? i'd say i need to get my head straight and at the sametime that is exactly what i should not be doing. i suppose what i should be doing is finding a measure of order around here. figure composition is a mathematical thing, even if math is the inverse of what we are talking about. and isn't that beautiful.
cycle back again to any and all topics. and now i could ramble about the 'theory of everything'.
oh man - this is a fireside chat.
it's just about an answer and response. as the scientists say, we struggle with understanding some other world just over our heads.
|Thursday, December 18th, 2008|
well it snowed today in vegas, and it wasn't all that much warmer when i was out there... not that i minded it much. lets talk about the weather, right? and this time i suppose there's something to it. talking about the weather is great, it's a fully shared common experience. i mean you can't exactly greet a stranger by discussing the rationality of a 2 heart bridge proposition or bacterial concerns of stuffing a turkey or what weather conditions are best for catching small mouth bass. no apart from weather, gravity, mothers or gravity what else do we all share? weather is a good place to start from. and so it was twenty two degrees warmer and a day fully passed when i got back into town. car parked in terminal c level 4, near x45. sounds like a medical condition, but that's what i had jotted down and so it was.
enough with rambling. i suppose i'm just avoiding the topic.
no no, it's not like that, things were great. i suppose i just go over things so much in my head that putting them down here seem like one exercise more than i need. certainly sometimes not. so with that in mind...
my father clearly forgot what it's like to have the family genes and to visit las vegas. at one point after a very fucking strange drive out to the hoover dam (which was pretty fucking strange) he mentioned there was a pool to dip in the community center if i was in the mood. not that pools are a bad thing, but my response was to ask him when he used to visit las vegas how many hours of sunlight he'd see in a day. i figure my father gave me many traits and addiction is one of them. saying that let me say i'm not a gambling addict. and saying that i do absolutely love to game and toss some money around and when i'm in las vegas that's something i want to do. keep in mind going to las vegas is a bit different when you have family around. it's a total joy to have a home to sleep at, and home cooked meals are great. being locals i suppose they have different glasses on now. meaning i'm less inclined to golf, visit the red rocks or even see the strip as i am to spend 15 hours playing cards, drinking and gabbing with the people sitting at a table with me. and someone needs to ( or i need to perhaps find) a sociological study of people sitting around a casino gaming table.
i am not a lucky person, that's well established, but i did break even over the weekend. the odd thing here is i got lucky. see i like to gamble, but i like to play the games where you have a decent chance to come out ahead if you play smart. well after doing that for a couple days (and getting killed) i opted for craps and roulette. i killed on both. figures.
speaking of killing, my skin dies out there. four days and my lips were parched and chapped. there's no way i could live out there. i need humidity or at least a measure of it.
i would say a highlight was getting away from work for a few days, but well i'm not sure what i missed. perhaps that's the point. the hoover dam and the all day sunday football betting affair were pretty incredible. yes i see the marvels of a world wonder and 12 hours in a chair watching football as equivalents in my narrow view.
so anyway i'm back and sorting out phone calls galore and prepping for the holidays. i'm sending organic steaks and sausage to family for christmas. some ranches out in montana. well it sounds tasty to me anyway.. eat up!
not many pictures from LV, but here's me and my pop out around the electrical madness that is the hoover dam area.
Now playing: Aphex Twin - laptop set via FoxyTunes
|Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008|
look at me networking, and how easy this apparently is. i went and tried a few things bolstered by a late night drunken confidence (dont you all know me as such), and i'm enjoying the results.
of course all my meals are accompanied by turkey lately (thanks for the leftovers mah).
the long weekend was so needed, and so, terrific.
i;ve decided (and so it wont happen) that i'll be writing a book about how we see ourselves and the subtleties of the outside looking in. given that i sit in this chair for all hours i figure i have decent perspective in this regard. the mondays, tuesdays and fridays and the slight tactile edges, the blurred fronts. that rolling current and the daily perspectives that are perceived so differently from hour to hour. and chapters on the easy defeats, the light trials. this turkey is in the oven and needs a good basting.
oh this is fun, I could go on with metaphors.
.. but no.
Now playing: Cold War Kids - Quiet, Please!via FoxyTunes
|Thursday, November 20th, 2008|
i'm not even trying to dance around the shit storm that will be everyday work in december. i used to get upset about the dispassionate resolve of my coworkers, but i'm starting to ebb in that direction. far gone is the time where i could put an extra shine on someone's dirty shoe. and nearly far gone is the ability to even tend to those dirty shoes.
so with that i've got plenty of vacation days yet to use up, and as we approach the busiest time of the year i'm putting myself first and fully adopting a lack of concern. i feel i've done my part alerting people to the shit storm that's brewing, and the assistance has been barely token. it's basically four day work weeks for me until the end of the year as a result. add to that the five day vacation i'm taking to las vegas in mid december.
all of this is going to be interesting, i just hope i can keep this calm indifference. i have my doubts, expecting malaise.
anyways if for some reason you find yourself in las vegas in three weeks, look for me tossing dice, playing cards or in cigar bar with my pops at the rampart casino off the strip to the west.
Now playing: Friendly Fires - Parisvia FoxyTunes
|Friday, November 14th, 2008|
there's a lot i can relate to in this video.www.youtube.com/watch
and on a semi related note, this caught my ear:
"...Sheepish grin, he holds in one hand a string of spiny yellow perch, in the other a bottle of Carlsbad beer. In jeans and denim shirt, he leans against the front fender of a 1934 Ford. He would like to pose bluff and hearty for his posterity, wear his old hat cocked over his ear. All his life my father wanted to be bold. But the eyes give him away, and the hands that limply offer the string of dead perch and the bottle of beer. Father, I love you, yet how can I say thank you, I who can't hold my liquor either, and don't even know the places to fish?..."
- raymond carver
sometimes you get lucky, and find those relate-able words and images.
|Tuesday, November 11th, 2008|
what a great day it is when they tell you that you can take the day off.
so i worked half the day.
and out of smokes i ran to the pharmacy i picked up some flannel leisure ware and some camel lights. i am planning to give the chantix another try, but need to get my head straight first. dousing a butt as i write this.
the sheets are washed and dried, Binx is guarding the dryer sheet. best beware.
i've been having some rather grand thoughts lately, but figure most people don't care much for that speak. these things are not new, and it's failed me before. it's getting to the point where i'd toss some of that for a measure of everyday charm and a bit better health.
i am in philly for another year. the october deadline ran out while i didnt feel the drive to change. meanwhile the change i can believe in will be in office shortly. my actual life and the world circle each with gravity.
when does the coincidental fun begin again? i've spent years now figuring out what i've done and what i've done wrong. lets call it isolation. the relations are tiring me out and the relations well... are as distant as me to me.
Now playing: Elliott Smith - Single Filevia FoxyTunes